


Self Conscious

by CandyDragonGuts



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Plot What Plot, Porn Without Plot, Self Esteem Issues, V is fat, V is gender neutral, V uses they/them pronouns, Vaginal Sex, body issues, dealing with body weight issues, hurt/comfort kinda, johnny talks A LOT during sex, lotta sex stuff happens its not all sad stuff, so v has a pussy, soft johnny, this is a very personal story, v is AFAB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:15:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28546209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandyDragonGuts/pseuds/CandyDragonGuts
Summary: V does not have a high opinion of themselves. They never really have. Anxiety, self deprecation and self doubt ghost through their thoughts. Its so second nature, they don't even think twice about it.Johnny has never dealt with such a thing. Nothing even close to the predicament he and V are in. He's gonna do what he can.___A lot of this may not work in the fiction of the Cyberpunk story/universe, given how you can look however you want? But, having self esteem issues, sometimes you gotta find a way to write about it. and also have sex with keanu reeves cyber man.If you have personal issues with weight gain, expressing feelings about weight, topic of self worth due to weight, detailed writing about heavier set bodies (stretch marks, rolls, etc) anything along that nature, please tread with warning. I am a fat AFAB agender person so this is...pretty close to home. Please keep this in mind and be gentle.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/V
Comments: 7
Kudos: 52





	Self Conscious

**Author's Note:**

> Copy Pasting from the summary:
> 
> A lot of this may not work in the fiction of the Cyberpunk story/universe, given how you can look however you want? But, having self esteem issues, sometimes you gotta find a way to write about it. and also have sex with keanu reeves cyber man. 
> 
> If you have personal issues with weight gain, expressing feelings about weight, topic of self worth due to weight, anything along that nature, please tread with warning. I am a fat AFAB agender person so this is...pretty close to home. Please keep this in mind and be gentle. 
> 
> also, if theres a "you" instead of "V" thrown in there, that's my bad. I generally write reader fics lol.

The stream of hot water trickled down V’s skin. It was probably too hot, making the skin redden slightly. But they didn’t really care. They kinda liked the burn. Normally, Johnny would be piping up, telling them to turn the damn heat down, that he was gonna end up burning in the process. But the blockers were still in effect. They were alone, at least for the moment. Alone to feel their skin burning. Alone with their thoughts.

They looked down at themselves. They soaped up their sides, rolls and all. They rinsed off their stomach and breasts. Their skin was soft, squishy...it made them sick. Turning off the water, a familiar thought slammed into their mind.

_Get some surgeries then, you fat ass idiot. You’re in charge of your fucking body, do something about it._

That angry, deprecating voice was incessant. It’s been with V forever, even before Johnny was forced into their head. They shook their head at the thoughts, grabbing a towel. Too expensive. Not worth it. They weren’t worth it. It wouldn't matter. They’d still be unhappy. It’d all be a lie. They wouldn't be real.

 _Oh yeah, and the cool eyes and dyed hair is just so real_ , the voice spat.

That was different.

_Sure, you just want an excuse to hate yourself._

I’d hate myself, anyway.

“What the fuck did I just walk in on,” Johnny glitched into view.

V didn’t move. They were standing in front of their mirror, still somewhat damp.

“Jesus, put some clothes on, already,” he lit up a cigarette. Tears burned at the edges of their eyes as they ducked their head away from the mirror, ashamed. “Woah, woah, what the fuck, what the fuck is happening.” Johnny was caught off guard.

They swallowed thickly, “Can you just fuck off, Johnny?” Their voice was unusually shaky.

Johnny took his sunglasses off and put it on his vest. V’s stomach felt knotted. They didn’t want Johnny to see them. But, at this point, he’s seen it all. And that made their skin crawl even more. What did he think of them?

_Probably disgusting. Ugly. Horrible._

“Hey, what the fuck, I know I’m a jackass but give me some credit,” Johnny snapped. Right. Their brain. His brain. Together.

They sighed, a hand going down their thick side and pinching the fat. “Guys like you...are the reason I hate myself.”

“Hang on, you can’t pin any self hatred on me. I didn’t do a damn thing.”

V didn’t answer. Their defeated gaze trailed over their stretch marks. Some faded, some new. They lifted their stomach slightly, to look at their exposed vagina. They dropped it, cringing away. “Just go away, Johnny,” they whispered. “Please, just...go away…”

“You and I both know that I’ll still be here even if you can’t see me.”

“Maybe for my peace of mind then?” their voice cracked. Tears pricked at their eyes again.

“Look…” Johnny glitched to their side. He was clearly uncomfortable. “This...this is really fuckin’ weird.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to inconvenience you,” V snapped.

“No, not...god damnit, just listen,” he barked. “You’re looking at yourself right now. You’re feeling what you’re feeling, yeah?” V stayed quiet. “I’m in your head. I feel what you feel.” Still nothing. “What I’m getting at is I...understand what’s going on right now. And...fuck, I don’t like it.”

“Having shitty self esteem is a bitch,” V replied simply.

“I...really don’t like it.”

“Yeah.”

Johnny’s metal hand reached to touch their shoulder, but he hesitated. Finally, he pulled it back and crossed his arms. “I’ll be the first to admit that I was a fucking douche bag when I was alive. I didn’t treat people good. At all,” he started. V’s eyes stayed glued on their reflection. “But, even back then, I knew all pussy was good pussy,” he tried to sound light hearted.

“You’re not helping.” Their voice was so dead. Empty.

Johnny was truly at a loss. He felt himself sink inside, much how like V felt. He uncrossed his arms. When he was alive, he never once felt any self doubt about his appearance. Never once saw his reflection and thought anything negative about it. “It’s like I’m looking at myself...but I know I’m not,” he suddenly said, his voice surprisingly soft. “And...I really don’t like what I’m seeing, but I don’t. I don’t, V. It’s hard to explain. When I’m seeing you, like I’m you, I...understand what you’re feeling,” he repeated. “But...when I shake it off, and _I’m_ just looking at you...I don’t see what you’re seeing.” Finally, ever so slowly, V turned their head to him. “Does...does _any_ of that make sense?” he was clearly struggling to explain.

“Maybe,” V finally spoke.

“You really think like that about yourself, huh.” It wasn’t a question, but confirmation. V nodded. “Alright...V. You’re not...unattractive.”

“Wow, such a charmer,” their voice was still limited in emotion. They turned around, sadly sighing at their large buttocks. They lifted one of the cheeks and let it go, letting it bounce slightly.

Johnny raised an eyebrow, “A lot of people would kill for a natural ass like that.”

“Don’t even attempt to make me feel better.”

“I’m not fuckin’ around,” he laughed.

V huffed and put on sleep pants and a tank top. They collapsed on their bed, laying on their back. V couldn’t pry into Johnny’s head as much as he could to them, but they could feel around a little. They could tell he wasn’t lying. They stared at their ceiling.

A few heavy foot steeps. Smoke wafted in the air above them, disappearing into static. There was sudden weight pushed down on the bed. V tilted their head slightly to see Johnny sitting on the edge of the bed. “Still don’t get how you can do that,” V looked back up.

“V…” The lack of confidence in his voice was unfamiliar. “I’m not...I’m not good at this.”

“Clearly,” they sighed. “I wasn’t looking for you to help me. Or convince me of anything. It’s not your problem.”

“It kinda is.”

“Right...can’t have you having this weird...existential self hatred kinda sorta thing,” they waved their hand in the air.

“It’s not that,” he protested. “I don’t…” he continued to struggle.

“God damnit, what, what is it?” V finally snapped.

“I fucking hate seeing you this upset,” he finally blurted out in frustration.

V’s eyebrows furrowed in full speculation, and propped themselves up. “What?”

“It...it fucking hurts knowing how much you hurt about this. Especially because…” he stopped himself.

“Because what?” V pressed.

_Don’t get your hopes up. He’s just showing you pity._

“See, this is one of the many reasons why sharing a brain with you fucking sucks,” Johnny suddenly shot up from the bed. “I wanna tell you, but it’s like _you_ won’t let me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about.”

_He hates just looking at you._

“That, that right there,” he pointed dramatically. “Those...insufferable subconscious thoughts that fly through your head.”

“I...I don’t know what you want me to do about it. Kinda can’t control them.”

He looked at V, as if trying to dissect them. He squinted his eyes. “Let me try then.”

“What?”

“I’m not asking you to give me full control of your body or mind. Just...do you trust me?” he crossed his arms.

“I mean...no,” V answered blatantly.

Johnny loosened his shoulders and tilted his neck as if trying to crack it. “Well, too bad. I’m going to tell you exactly how I feel.”

“Uh…” V was sitting up completely now. “What does that fucking mean.”

His steps echoed on the floor as he approached them. His waist hit their eye level and they swallowed slightly. His hand hooked onto the top of his leather pants. “I wanna fuck you.”

V’s eyes widened and their heart lurched.

_He…_

The thoughts tried to scrape their way through.

_It’s not…_

_You’re not…_

_It can’t..._

Seconds passed, more than enough time for dozens of terrible, self doubting voices to scream through V. Not one finished a complete thought until it was finally quiet. Their body was shaking slightly from the very strange battle of racing thoughts through their head.

“No room for that shit while I’m here,” he slid his knee onto the bed.

“I-It’s not like you could, anyway…”

“You think so? I beg to differ…” He gently pushed V down, climbing over them. “You’ve never let me try.”

_This isn’t happening._

“Hey, hey, I said none of that shit,” he repeated sternly. “You have been...very adamant about not letting me near you.”

It was true. There had been a few times where they did seem to have physical contact. A push here, a shove here. V didn’t want to feel him anymore than they could help it. V already had a hard enough time resisting a lustful gaze at the engram wherever he stood. Knowing they could physically touch? They couldn’t handle that realization. They couldn’t let themselves think about the man in any positive light. He would know.

_It would dis-_

“Looks like my influence is wearing off. I’ll have to shut that voice up another way.” He quickly leaned down, crashing his mouth against V’s. They gasped, parting their lips, allowing Johnny to slide his tongue in. V’s mind was blank. They slowly put their arms around him. He pulled away to breathe and laugh slightly, “You can think about how hot I am, I don’t mind.”

“Wh-what,” V’s face flushed.

“C’mon, you think I didn’t know?” he pushed up their tank top slowly, revealing their breasts. “Even if its a flash...it’s like someone yelling your name in a crowd. You’re gonna turn your head to look.” His breath was heavy on their nipple. It perked in response and V shivered slightly. “Fuck, they’re so cute…” he whispered. V’s breasts weren’t especially large, but not small. He lightly sucked on the tender flesh.

“F-fuck…” they winced as he bit on them softly. His free hand messaged and needed on the other breast, causing more sounds to escape V.

“Haven’t heard you make those sounds in a long time…” his voice was low and full of hunger.

“D-don’t say that…” V craned their head back.

“Why? You don’t wanna know how I’ve seen you touch yourself? Just a few times, I couldn’t help but sneak a peak…” V was getting wildly wet at his words. He left a long trail of saliva on their breast as he moved onto the other one. “You really are a hard ass...but fuck do you look so vulnerable when you’re cumming…”

“F-fuck off…” they breathed.

He pulled himself off their chest, causing them to gasp in disappointment. He pulled down their sleep pants and underwear and tossed them onto the floor. He was sitting on his knees, looking down at their glistening slit. His cock was hard under his leather pants. He started to palm himself through them. “You really didn’t want me to see...how you fuck yourself...but those desperate moans...fuck they drove me crazy…” He bit his lip, rubbing himself faster. “It took so much not to interrupt you, not to fuck into your soaking pussy right then and there...fuck…” He finally unzipped his pants and pushed them down to release his member. It was thick, and bobbed with a swollen head.

V’s body was shaking with anticipation and something else...disbelief?

“Don’t you dare start goin down that road again,” he threatened, climbing back on top of them. His hand cupped the side of their face. V’s face was flushed and vulnerable. “Hold on sweetheart, Johnny’s gonna make you feel so fuckin’ good…”

V nodded and immediately arched their back. Johnny prodded his head at their entrance. He forced V’s legs up and around his waist. His flesh hand caressed their thigh in the process. “Fuck, you’re so god damn soft…”

“Oh my god, just stick it in…” V tried to keep the desperation out of their voice. On their command he slowly pushed inside them. Their hands gripped at the sheets, nails digging in hard. He filled them up so quickly.

“Shoulda warned ya...none of your toys are gonna be good enough now...no cock is gonna be good enough after me…” he grunted, keeping the pace slow.

 _“Fuck, it feels so good, he feels so good, he’s so hot, how is he so hot, fuck, it’s so good…”_ the thoughts tumbled through them.

“That’s more like it…” Johnny smiled approvingly. “I’m gonna pick it up now...hope you’re ready…” He warned them, but they were not ready. The air was filled with smacking sounds, Johnny’s cock penetrating V deep in their core.

“Fuck, fuck, J-Johnny…” V panted.

“You’re so wet...so hot...fuck, you feel incredible…” he praised. V grabbed Johnny by his tags and yanked him down. They kissed him sloppily, sucking and biting on his tongue. He moaned deeply, keeping the same punishing rhythm. V had to let go to shout out their bliss. Their hands dragged down his back, scratching him through his shirt. He groaned and hissed, “Fuck, V...I don’t...I don’t know how much longer I can last…” V’s eyes were snapped shut as they moaned over Johnny’s words. “Those sounds...fuck...if you keep that up...I’m gonna lose it…”

They tightened their legs around his hips, “Aaaaah, Johnny...Johnny!” Their voice lilted up several octaves.

Hearing V shout his name so desperately, so full of need and want, it was too much. His hips jerked and he bent down, latching his mouth against V’s neck. His eyes rolled up as he came, sinking his teeth into their flesh. V’s shouts of pain and ecstasy made Johnny’s orgasm rocket through him harder than expected. “F-Fuck…” he laughed weakly after letting the high leave him. His chest heaved for air as V did the same. “You didn’t...cum though, did you…”

“N-no, but, that’s-” V’s words were cut off short by Johnny’s abruptly sliding down their body. He eagerly dove into their pussy, licking up his own cum. “O-oh my god,” they cried out. He lapped up all the fluids he could. Wet, slick sounds escaped his mouth. He dragged the flat of his tongue up the slit, and proceeded to slide two silver digits in.

“Johnny Silverhand does not leave _anyone_ unsatisfied…” he purred. He focused on their clit as he continued to fuck them with his fingers. He slipped in a third finger and hooked them up, hitting their g-spot. Instantly, V’s hands grasped around the dark tendrils of Johnny’s hair. They arched their back, bucking their hips into his face.

“F-fuck, fuck, don’t stop, don’t stop!” they shouted.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, sweetheart…” he murmured, letting his hot breath roll their core. “Fuck yes...look at you...you still make the best sounds...no matter what’s fucking you…” He circled his tongue around their clit again, picking up speed with his fingers. “You’re fuckin’ getting me hard again...maybe I’ll fuck you again after you cum…” V’s chest heaved, feeling a deep warmth growing low in them. They clawed at the shits, knuckles going white. Johnny climbed up their writhing body, never missing a beat with his fingers, playing them like one of his guitars. “That’s it, sweetheart. Cum for me, let me hear those sweet sounds...fuck I wanna hear them so bad…” He brought his free hand to their mouth, feeling their lips as they twitched. Their tongue licked on them, inviting them in their mouth. They bit and sucked on them, making Johnny moan gently. “God damnit, I want you to cum on my cock…” he pulled his fingers out of them completely. He flipped V over, forcing them on top. “C’mon, ride my cock, use me, use me to cum,” he rasped.

Dazed, V sank down onto his member, just as hard as it was before. They whimpered slightly, “Fuck, Johnny...I’m...I’m so close…”

“Ride me, god damnit. Fuckin’ use me, use me like one of your toys,” he panted and dug his fingers into their soft sides. He bucked his hips in frustration. “I wanna see you cum, I wanna hear you say my name over and over…”

V bounced on his cock, their insides twitching but still holding back. A wet, cold metallic thumb rubbed on their clit in fast circles. That was it. That was what pushed them over the edge. “Oh my fucking god, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!” they practically yelled, coming undone. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” they whined. Their orgasm shook through them to their core, and throbbed intensely around Johnny’s member. They sucked in air as fast as they could, their heart ready to burst from their chest.

“Fuck…” Johnny breathed heavily with them.

V flopped over onto the bed. “You...kept your clothes on the whole time…”

“You have a kink for that, don’t act like it didn’t get you off more…” Johnny laughed.

“Whatever...can you get me some water.”

“...No.”

“What?...Oh. Right.” V, legs wobbly, got out of the bed and into the kitchen. As they filled up a cup of water, a voice crept in.

_“He’s regretting it already.”_

Suddenly, Johnny flashed beside V. “We...are really going to have to work on that. Together.”

“T-Together…?” V was about to take a drink.

“Oh yeah. Together,” he stepped closer, his broad arms pulling V into an embrace. He smacked their ass and dug his fingers in. “The work’s just begun.”

“Dealing with self esteem issues, the Silverhand way. I can only imagine what that’ll entail,” V pulled away, finally taking a long drink.

“I, for one, can’t wait,” he leaned against the counter and pulled the edge of his mouth into a cocky grin.


End file.
